About to Lose My Shit

I've been thinking lately that I got more than I bargained for when I volunteered to help my aunt out with her dialysis b/c nobody else would do it. (My aunt has end stage kidney disease). I never realized how my aunt is VERY DEPENDENT, HIGH MAINTENANCE, AND DEMANDING, she is constantly calling my name which means I havent been able to properly study. Understandble if she were bed ridden, but she is not. If she can walk around the mall and shop for hours on end, I wouldn't label her as an invalid just yet.

She has to watch what she eats and she hasn't been following her diet, doc said I should do all the cooking for her. I have to dress her, clean her catheter site everyday, run back and forth to the pharmacy. Her first month of dialysis will be 4 times a day. It looks like I will have to do the entire procedure because she has done nothing to practice. She refuses to take an iota of personal responsibility which pisses me off.

Last night I studied for my math exam until 3AM. She jarred me awake at 4AM by barging into my room turning on all the lights asking me to tape up her catheter tube against her stomach so it is out of the way. I mean seriously? I thought, "You woke me up for this? Couldn't you have done this yourself?" I did it anyway because I'm not allowed to say anything because she is sick and potentially dying.

On top of that, my dialysis training session is scheduled at the same time as my midterm exam. She really gave me a massive guilt trip about that. What can I do? I have to take my exam! Should I put my life on hold for the next 3 years or however long you are on dialysis? Now I'm starting to worry that this may affect my studies. The professor is annoyed as it is that I'm taking so much time off. This is also a crucial class for me to get into upper division science courses. If I fail this class, I will be set back.

I feel bad for saying this but I feel like my future is compromised here and I can't fulfill my end of the promise of taking care of her. It's like I'm not allowed to complain b/c I'm not the one sick and dying. I feel like I'm being selfish b/c all I've been thinking this week is about passing my exam when my aunt's life is at stake.

I called my cousin (her son that lives in L.A.) and I told him what was going on. Told him I'm concerned that I'm only here for two months but afterwards she will need someone care for her. Since she refuses to take responsibility for herself, I do not have faith in her that she will be able to do the dialysis alone. I told my cousin he should start thinking about hiring a caregiver, particularly someone who is professionally trained to handle difficult patients.

I feel awful for writing this post but I had to vent somewhere because I do worry and care about her. I know she is feeling like crap and is lashing out at others to express her pain. But my cousin said so himself, "She likes to dump her burdens on whoever is there." I'm learning this the hard way.

The home dialysis hasn't even started yet, and already I am exhausted emotionally and physically. I will be a prisoner in the home as much as she is. 4 times a day, every day. :/

My patience is going to be tested to the limit for the next 2 months.