Belfast Fashion Do's and Dont's

A working list of my observations thus far...

1) Orange skin is IN! DO go to tanning salons every week to get that sunkissed complexion.

2) DO wear ultra-low waisted skinny jeans to show off that foxy muffin top. Make sure you wear an XXS top to exaggerate this look.

3) DO wear an ubermini skirt to show off the nether regions. This also provides easy access to the young lads at the pub.

4) DO wear skimmers or ballet flats because Belfast terrain is uneven and they don't know how to do a properly paved sidewalk. Although, when going out to drink DO wear stilletto heals, this will greater your chances at getting shagged.

5) DO wear 4 sizes smaller than your normal size to show your 'best' features.

6) DON'T leave the house without makeup on but DO dunk your face in a vat before you go so you look like bozo the clown. The more the better.

7) DO wear UGG boots with hot pants on cold days.

8) DO wear hoop earrings the size of your face.

9) DO wear a belt at least 12 inches in width positioned at your ribcage.

10) Prams are the ultimate fashion accessory. DO be seen walking around town with them.

11) DO make sure to wear extra long pants at least 4 inches at the cuff so it can drag and mop up the muck on the streets. Saves the city on street cleaning.