Friday, May 1, 2009

Belfast Spide 101

Speaking of swine...Anything and everything you've ever wanted to know about the Belfast Chav or Spide (both are acceptable and interchangable terms for the dreg of Belfast society), which is a whole different breed from the rest of the UK...

Come to Belfast! Thats what the advert says... but let me assure you, you better bring protection.

Its chav-central my friends and the scum are everywhere. The main chav hangouts are Royal avenue and the adjacent streets off it - jeezus, we even have 2 jjbs on the same street, not 3 shops apart!! And theres a jjb megastore at the end of Royal Avenue as well!!

Of course, being N.Ireland, we also have a Rangers and a Celtic store almost beside each other so naturally you can find them there (although I won't slag, I'm not sectarian).

However, regardless of religion, its the gear they wear that really gets me. Nike, adidas etc coupled with cheap gold soverign rings and mr t style chains - a grand total of about 20 quid out of the nearest shit jewellers. Add a shite 'tache and you've got the whole package.

Then, we have the chavettes or 'bitches' as the males like to call them. Now, some of these girls are quite good looking, or would be if they didn't cake on fake tan, gold hula hoop earrings, and wear crappy towelling tracksuits that leave little to the imagination (especially the fat ones).

Add in a chavling brat in a push chair and you have the idea - not too much different from other cities. The real difference is that many of these scum bags are in a paramilitary organisation so that makes giving them a good kicking problematic - you would be a bit worried about getting shot.

If you're going out on the piss, you have to watch where you go but its easy to know where not to go and for anyone thinking about visiting, here's where NOT to go:

Lavery's, Dempsey's, Upstairs in the Bot on a Friday and the Network. I may have missed a few but those are the main ones.

By the way, we have a few names for Chavs:

Spicks, Spides, Steeks, Kev's (universally known) and cunts. There it is.


Teenage pregnancy, village centre brawls, bus shelter copulating…why these rituals were de regure, a mere insight into the social anthropological workings of the unevolved, nothing too threatening or surprising.

It was therefore with a care-free, easy going manner that I originally regarded the chav population of my new home, BELFAST. At first only subtle differences could be spotted by the naked eye. For example in Belfast the term is Spide, for the male of the species, Milly for the female (a interesting verbal distinction is made between the two sexes, which is probably for the best, as generations of in-breeding is making a visual identification more and more difficult). Also, the tipple of choice for the discerning chav, is, like many of his Scottish cousins, the fermented cough syrup that is Buckfast. For those you unfamiliar with this little pallet freshener, it is a 15% vol ‘Tonic’ Wine, priced at aprox £5.00 a bottle/£2.50 half and available at pretty much every offie or supermarket in Northern Ireland, with the exception of Sainsbury’s. Featured in Rab C Nesbit and Trainspotting, the wine is essentially liquid speed, ensuring that no matter how much you drink, or what time you pass out at afterwards, you’ll be up bright as a button at 6am, looking to chin some Goths. Why, many a good night at Shine or the Nerve Centre has been had under the influence of a bottle of bo, or Lurgan Champagne as it is often known, and a couple of pills courtesy of a local paramility group.

Anyway, on early inspection the Spide population appeared to be pretty much as standard. Low, but typically so. Oh how wrong I was. The question I throw out to you now is how on earth do you bring out the utter worst in the utter worst? Why throw in a good old dose of sectarianism that’s how. In almost tribal fashion the Belfast Spides deck themselves out in either Celtic or Rangers strips, and stick pretty much to there respective ghettos, which are of course territorially marked with Tri Colours or Union Jacks, and various wall murals. Violence, as with all sects of chavadom, is expected, but remember this is Belfast, where people can and do have guns, and can and do throw petrol bombs at each other. Need I say more.

On the morning of 12th July Spides of a Protestant/Loyalist persuasion, flock out onto the streets of Belfast to drink Buckfast and Tennants, get steemin and support British marches that often insist on walking into predominately Irish areas. They then set fire to a number of bonfires throughout the city. This is encouraged by some politicians and church officals. I'll repeat that: they encourage the spides to set fire to things. On the evening of the 12th July Spides of a Catholic/Republican persuasion will drink Buckfast and Harp, set fire to vans/lorrys etc and fight with the peelers. Pretty much everyone else gets the hell out of Belfast for at least four days in and around this time.

So the next time some wee chav pesters you for a tab, or gives you grief because you won’t go to the offie for him, don’t get pissed off. Just smile and think to yourself, it could be worse, I could be living in Belfast.



Unknown said...

Hi, I am Tom. I am from South Belfast (the rough part) lol, and I now live in the Philippines!

Your thoughts on chavs made me laugh because it's very true. I enjoy reading your sometimes very funny, and often poignant words.

I hope that some day my kababayans (if you know tagalog) can become proud of their city :)



Flippin' Yank said...

Kamusta, Tom?

Yes, I can understand Tagalog fully speaking it is a different story.

Salamat for reading my blog. :)

Anonymous said...

Spides arent in paramilitary organisations LOL, don't make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Who are the puppet people that start riots then?